Dear Mama,

Fourteen years ago today I had the worse day of my entire life. Fourteen years ago today I awoke to the news that you were in the emergency ward. Fourteen years ago today I knew that the next Mother’s Day I wouldn't spend with you either. Fourteen years ago today I began a two year long downward journey into insanity, depression, and fear unlike any I'd ever experienced in the past. Fourteen years ago today I no longer had hope and I felt like my life was over. Fourteen years ago today I wanted to be at the hospital, climb into bed with you and hold you as much as I couldn't stand the thought of hearing your voice or seeing your face ever again. Fourteen years ago today I kept waiting to wake up from the nightmare.

Today I awoke to the terror of a nightmare involving you (and my asking you to not be so grumpy), a next door explosion and open windows that needed to be closed due to the giant smoke cloud, puppies, strange poetry (about taking a "sit" instead of taking a "stand"), and letters from high school friends.

Today I awoke to thunder, loud rain, and wind chimes. Only not the wind chimes that dad made because, despite what he says, they do dry rot and fall apart over time. 

Today I started my day sandwiched between a boy and girl, giving many thanks to the Lord for giving their mother the strength to land them here, amidst emotional instability.

Today I wept, felt hopeless, missed you the most.

Today I realized that my journey out of depression was difficult but worth it in the long run.

Today I would imagine that you are celebrating in heaven and that makes me happy, even though I feel really distant from you. You wouldn't even know or recognize me.

It was hard watching you go, but it's was harder letting you go, knowing that this goodbye could be the last and that I might never hear you say HELLO ever again...

Thanks for the friendship, thank you for the smile. Thanks for the love you showed even though it was only for a while. True my heart was broken and yes, my eyes did cry. But the pain is all over now because I have learned to say goodbye.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, Mama.